The nearby neighbor with whom I reconnected at the spring tea this morning wanted to know what I am up to nowadays. She was interested in the numerology course I plan to lead in the fall. (Everyone seems to be, surprisingly.) She picked up on my defensiveness and asked if I were afraid of the reaction I would get. Oh yes–after all, I live on the edge of the “Bible Belt North,” and all these intuitive studies I am so excited about seem a little “woo woo,” especially for the traditionally religious folks.

My neighbor asked me what I hoped people would get out of the numerology course. Well, that is exactly the question I am wrestling with, to get around the “woo woo” problem. My goal is to justify indulging in studies of the inner self. It matters to ME! Why? Why am I compelled to encourage others to explore their own inner selves?

It all revolves around soul school, at its core; but soul school is ironically what I assume  the more conservative religious folks find too “woo woo.”  The subconscious is better connected to the higher self or collective, universal consciousness or God, whichever concept works for you.  The intuitive studies help me access the subconscious and its greater knowledge of my purpose in life and how to pursue that, thereby helping me save my corner of the world.

The way I think of life is that we each grow up, work, and raise our own families according to the accepted norms of our various societal groups. Our families, schools, churches, neighborhoods, places of employment and volunteerism, towns and political circles scaffold us into the persons we SHOULD be. We make a place for ourselves in society, playing our assigned and chosen roles. We tend to assume those roles define us.

Then our children grow up and follow their own paths. Suddenly we have more time and money than we did as parents. Later, we retire and have less money but lots more time. We can suddenly do anything we want! We have “paid our dues,” and society accepts more idiosyncrasies of us. We are FREE!

What should we do next, with all the choices and resources we have–for our selves? This is IT, what are we going to BE when we grow up?

Well, I don’t know about you, but personally, I find myself endlessly fascinating! And I realize I know more about my roles in life than my own self. So I want to know more about my inner self, under all the added-on roles.  What is lurking in the shadows of my subconscious?  Who and where is my “inner child?”

At 60 years old, it’s time for me to get to work and figure how I’m supposed to save some corner of my world. How can I justify my life? As a kid, I was convinced I was meant to write social commentary that would show society the error of its ways and motivate profound change. Yeah, right! I have no clue where to start with THAT!

A Course in Miracles advises that the best way to fix the world is to fix one’s own self. Finding and buffing up one’s own inner light makes one a brighter light and helps one to light the way for others to find and buff their own lights and pass it on, so the growing light spreads and brightens. That should sound bizarre, but it rings so true to me!

The goal, according to A Course in Miracles, is to love and connect with others. Connection NOT through a bazillion friends on social media, but through learning enough about oneself to develop more understanding of others. Understanding nurtures compassion instead of criticism. We bond with others instead of splintering off on ever smaller, harsher divisions, like our political parties are doing now, tearing this country apart. (I digress, but I believe that is a great example of the wrong road!)

So, anyway, the value in my recent studies involving self-knowledge (through intuitive pursuits such as meditation, dreams, tarot, astrology, and numerology) is in becoming comfortable in my own skin. The deeper I understand my self, the more accepting of myself I become, which definitely leads to being less judgmental of others, which also makes me a nicer person to be around. (Hey, I like me better already, and I’m just getting started!)

So, it looks like I never will become the word warrior I expected to be. I am becoming gentler and kinder all the time. It works for me!

My problem now is that I’m not well-enough established in any of the fascinating intuitive fields to feel like I will ever know what I’m doing! Hence my insistence on pursuing this new, better road yet being very prickly and defensive about it, despite the outpouring of support I have gotten from everyone who is important to me.

So, I am going for it as best I can, in fits and starts, and we’ll all see what happens. I am going to restart and keep up with this blog, which helps me work through my emerging issues, and I am going to sign up with OLLI (Osher Lifelong Learning Institute) to lead fall courses in numerology (with tarot influence) and Neophyte’s Introduction to Dreamwork– hmm, and maybe Neophyte’s Introduction to Tarot as well. (Heck, I have all summer to work up the curriculum and pacing, right?)